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UK manufacturer launches stool-sampling cyberjohn

Twyford completely takes the piss

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Headline update for our US readers UK toilet manufacturer Twyford yesterday placed the humble bog at the cutting edge of 21st century crappercraft with the world's first e-enabled health-monitoring cyberloo.

The company describes the Versatile Interactive Pan (VIP) as a "major breakthrough" in toilet technology. The designer dunny incorporates a voice-activated seat and autoflush, but also boasts the abilty to monitor stools and urine for potential health problems.

Should the VIP detect that your motions are not all they should be, it will contact your GP via the Internet. Or, if you're simply getting a bit loose down there, it will order extra roughage from your supermarket.

All well and good. But has the company really thought about the implications of allowing a cyborg convenience access to what is - let's face it - a very private process? Once again, it appears that boffins have put their desire to reinvent the wheel before any consideration of the possible ramifications.

Twyford's announcement comes only months after a rogue public toilet took a woman hostage for three hours, as we previously reported. Despite her terrifying ordeal, it's clear that nothing has been learnt.

So, will projectile vomiting provoked by a quick 'lunchtime meeting' in the pub result in a VIP call to Alcoholics Anonymous? Will City wideboys find themselves escorted by the Police from their places of work after their urine tests positive for Bolivian marching powder?

We may soon know. The VIP could be in production by 2005. ®

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