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This is how to pass-off a cancer-reducing mobile add-on

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Nokia, Motorola and Ericsson have apparently been patenting "radiation-reducing devices" for their phones but swear this is nothing to do with the alleged link between mobiles and cancer.

No, after two days thought, they reckon the devices are to improve the phone's efficiency and so make batteries last longer. We thought this was a rubbish excuse and so we asked readers if they could come up with any better. These are just some of them (thanks to all those that contributed). ®


  • To reduce signal interference caused by solar flares
  • To prevent harmful interference with other devices in close proximity
  • The Microsoft way works well, usually. This was designed in anticipation of features we are currently developing.
  • Maybe it's to stop electrical activity in the brain from affecting the delicate circuitry of the mobile phone?
  • It is obvious that the "cancer" shields were actually invented to add weight to phones in order that they would be more effective when used as ballast in hot air balloons.
  • It reduces the annoying "clicking" interference on near by speakers?
  • They are to prevent people, on the other side of your head, snooping your mobile phone transmissions.
  • The shields being developed are not meant to protect the person holding the phone, because the radiation poses no threat to them. The risk is that the radiation might bounce off our brain and go right back into the phone. This could cause various dire situations, the most prominent of which is that the phone itself might get cancer, hampering reception quality.
  • Instead of putting up a million and one 3G towers at a cost that makes our national debt look insignificant, they get the handset manufacturers to work out a way to get the phones to pump out 6 times the normal power, but only into a narrow beam. That way they can get away with less towers, but still manage the coverage.
  • The patented shields protect the phones from harmful brain-wave radiation which can interfere with communication and may even cause long-term damage to the phone's delicate chips. So far studies are inconclusive, but who needs science to make a buck off a schmuck (or pound or whatever you people use)?
  • By reducing electromagnetic emissions from cellphones, any particular cellphone will not require as much signal strength in order to make a connection. For example, in order to maintain a conversation in a noisy room, you have to talk loud. In a quieter room, murmurs are all that's required.
  • They're security features. The emissions from phones fluctuate as you send and receive messages, and so snooping governments, industrial spies and others could pick up these waves to deduce what you are saying and hearing. If they're standing almost on top of you. Which they might be. It's a big risk, but we've got it covered.
  • They reduce the chance of alien abduction. Greys can home in on these emissions like a beacon, in order to abduct you. Just like they can't home in on the actual call signal - oh no, they certainly can't do that. For some reason.
  • It improves a phone's efficiency by keeping the user alive longer to actually use the phone...[Phones don't cause cancer, unprofitable WAP applications do.]


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Q: How do you pass off a cancer-reducing mobile add-on?

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