Monster Raving Loony Party unveils manifesto
Mobile measures, pet proxy votes and the Loch Ness Monster
The Monster Raving Loony Party has unveiled its manifesto and promised to sort out mobile phone irritation and the difficult topic of voting rights for pet animals.
Despite media reports that the manifesto was no more than a blank piece of paper - as full of genuine pledges as the other manifestos, it could be argued - the party's two official Web sites have laid out in full what they would do if elected.
Those who value peace will be pleased with the Party's policy on mobile phones. "Anyone using a mobile phone in public will be in danger of being 'silly stringed'," it reads. "Any member of the public will, at their own convenience and pleasure, be able to carry and use at their discretion cans of squirty silly string on anyone they hear using a mobile phone."
And pet lovers will be delighted to hear that in a Monster Raving Loony Britain, their animals will be entitled to a proxy vote by email - as long as they are electronic - demonstrating the Party's modern approach to pressing matters.
Other measures that caught our eye included. "In the interest of safety, all Cross Channel Ferry crews will be made to wear flares", "There should be a national debate on the subject of why there is only one female Smurf" and "We'll make class sizes smaller by standing kids closer together & giving them smaller desks".
The Party has dropped its pledge to put the Houses of Parliament on wheels and introduce crocodiles into the Thames. However it has come up with a unique solution to water shortages. "Down in the south of Britain there is invariably a water ban during the three weeks of sunshine. To the north of Britain there is a Loch which purports to hold an unknown (or possibly known) animal. We'll drain the Loch ... pipe the water down ... two mysteries solved!"