Feeds

Attack of the 13ft crabs

Britain faces giant crustacean terror

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

The Power of One Infographic

Just when weary Britons were anticipating a reopening of their ravaged countryside, a new ecological threat has emerged which could transcend even the foot and mouth crisis.

Birmingham's National Sea Life Centre has taken delivery of five Japanese spider crabs, a creature so fearsome that the aquarium has been forced to take out insurance against the cantankerous crustaceans leaping from their tanks and savaging innocent members of the public.

The eight-legged monsters can reach an impressive 13ft across and live up to 100 years - more than enough time to plan their escape to the wild.

The implications of such a jailbreak are terrifying. When mink - which were being farmed for their pelts - broke free and bred in the wild, the resulting rampage decimated Britain's native riverside fauna. This catastrophe will pale into insignificance should the spider crabs reach the country's waterways.

Having broken the toughened glass of their tanks, the crabs would need only to fight their way past aquarium security, slip unnoticed through the centre of Birmingham and negotiate numerous motorways, including the city's notorious 'spaghetti junction' before scuttling across country to the sea.

Nuclear weapons are likely to prove ineffective against the demonic denizen of the deep's tough exoskeleton, although a pan of boiling water might do the trick.

As we go to press, your reporter is still trying to find an IT angle to this story, although members of the Register SETI group are invited to join Crabwatch - a Vulture Central project to monitor all extra-aquaria crustaceous activity. ®

Bootnote

Remember - know your enemy. You can have a look at the crusty Kraken here. Thanks to Chris "broccoli!" Ferrell for the link.

Seven Steps to Software Security

More from The Register

next story
NSA man: 'Tell me about your Turkish connections'
Spooks ask Dabbsy to suggest a nice hotel with pool
Carlos: Slim your working week to just three days of toil
'Midas World' vision suggests you retire later, watch more tellie and buy more stuff
Motorist 'thought car had caught fire' as Adele track came on stereo
'FIRE' caption on dashboard prompts dunderheaded hard shoulder halt
Brit Rockall adventurer poised to quit islet
Occupation records broken, champagne corks popped
Accused! Yahoo! exec! SUES! her! accuser!, says! sex! harassment! never! happened!
Allegations were for 'financial gain', countersuit claims
Yahoo! Japan! launches! service! for! the! dead!
If you're reading this email, I am no longer alive
Plucky Rockall podule man back on (proper) dry land
Bold, barmy Brit adventurer Nick Hancock escapes North Atlantic islet
Japanese artist cuffed for disseminating 3D ladyparts files
Printable genitalia fall foul of 'obscene material' laws
prev story

Whitepapers

Top three mobile application threats
Prevent sensitive data leakage over insecure channels or stolen mobile devices.
Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Top 8 considerations to enable and simplify mobility
In this whitepaper learn how to successfully add mobile capabilities simply and cost effectively.
Application security programs and practises
Follow a few strategies and your organization can gain the full benefits of open source and the cloud without compromising the security of your applications.
The Essential Guide to IT Transformation
ServiceNow discusses three IT transformations that can help CIO's automate IT services to transform IT and the enterprise.