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International business consultancy KPMG has hit the pop charts running.

Actually, make that 'limping'. In a desperate bid to encourage its employees to attend its Consultants' Conference next July, to be held in Frankfurt, the $13.5 billion organisation has decided to stir their corporate passions with a rousing company song.

'Rousing' may have been the idea, but we reckon the result is better described by the word 'soporific'. KPMG - We're as strong as can be is no let-me-see-your-hands-in-the-air pumpin' rock anthem, but a dire, drippy 80s ballad of the Chris De Burgh school.

You can almost smell the Hai Karate, almost see the flouncy perms and moustaches - and that's just the girls...

And to think decent IT companies trust these people to tell them how to run their business.

KMPG employees - and anyone else for that matter - can trip along to the company's Consulants' Conference and sample KPMG - We're as strong as can be in all its hideous glory. Curiously, employees are not allowed to listen to the ditty - available as a stream or an MP3 download - via the KPMG's internal network. The site says this is for "security reasons", but we reckon it's so banal it can bring down happy and healthy servers.

We listened to all IQ-lowering four minutes, 34 seconds of it, but you don't have to. Here are the words, in all their ghastliness:

KPMG - We're as strong as can be

Chorus
KPMG - We're as strong as can be,
We dream of power and energy,
We go for the gold, together we hold
Onto our vision of global strategy.

Repeat Chorus

First Verse

We create, we innovate,
We pass the worms that are laid [Not sure about this one - might be 'ones that are late']
A global dream... this our dream of success that we create.
We'll be number one, we're [something] and fun
Together reach the bus and run
For gold - that shines like the sun in our eyes.

Chorus

Repeat Chorus

Second Verse

The time is now to lead the way,
We share the same the idea
That may win by the end of the day.
Our strength is here to stay.
Indentity, one energy,
One strategy, with sympathy.
These are the words that will lead us into a new world.

Chorus

Repeat Chorus

Repeat Chorus (again)

Kay-Pee-Emm-Geee - we got the power...
Ooooh-oohh...

Enough already! ®

Related Link

KPMG's dire warblings

The essential guide to IT transformation

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