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It's time to announce the results of our Microsoft toboggan competition. The whole thing kicked off when we noted that MS Canada was bundling a free toboggan with copies of Office. A smart marketing move, but sadly not available elsewhere.

Well, MS PR company August One shared our dismay at this oversight and immediately offered a toboggan and copy of Office XP to one lucky reader.

To recap, we asked for suggestions as to what MS should bundle with Windows XP. Despite our assertion that the answers should contain some form of humour, you always get people like Peter Kerr chipping in with their two bits worth:

I take exception to your "toboggan" competition. I am personally without any sense of humour and as such have no chance of winning your competition. I find it simply unacceptable that, in this day and age of equal opportunities, you would willingly place such a barrier in the way of an otherwise fully qualified potential competition winner. This is nothing short of an outrage and you can be assured that the point will be taken up with the EU court of human rights.

Nicely done. Then again, this is as nothing compared to those readers who used the compo as a soapbox from which to proselytise about Linux. All such penguin-related emails were immediately dispatched to the slaughterhouse.

Mercifully, some people were able to indulge in their MS bashing with a wry smile. Little chance of winning, obviously, but we thought you might like to share a couple. Take it away Peter Weininger:

A fork with three prongs, specially designed for simultaneous pressing Alt/Ctrl/Del.

Oh yes. And what about that damned paperclip? Nathan R. Sheldon

I think that there needs to be a paper clip stress toy that talks to you when you pound it. Just think of all the aggrevations that would be relieved by beating the stuffing out of the office toy! Put a big splash on the box that says, "Windows now saves Your keyboard from operator rage," Oh and make it say clever things like, "Deadline!!" "Stop touching me you filthy pervert!" and my favorite "You Fool, you are infereior to my technical knowledge! bwhahahahaha!!!!"

Marvellous. Let's move on, shall we?

Ok - animals. What about animals? Gareth Rees wants a giraffe. Shannon Crowe believes that the most appropriate freebie would be a monkey. Haven't you always wanted a monkey? No, not since that nasty incident with the pig-tailed macaque. Despite the current Foot and Mouth epidemic, Bruce Ashton thinks that a cow would be appropriate. Something for the kiddies? Well, Brian Abdelhadi reckons MS should give out hampsters. Everyone loves hampsters. Yes they do, Brian. They make a lovely pet and an ice-breaking talking point at dinner parties.

In the category of 'short and without apparent reason', we have Richard Morgan with "A 6ft fallopian tube" :) Quite so. Eric Lehto demands a cordless nose hair trimmer, while David Beydon had us all overcome with tearful nostalgia with I for one would quite like a space hopper. Orange preferably.

Our three runners up, who will receive one of your original limited edition Reg lapel pins, are led by Ben Janaway:

I think MS should bundle a pair of Bill Gates' used underpants in with the Office package... sealed in foil to keep the fragrance locked in. Buy one complete package; get the residue of another package absolutely free! They'd sell like hotcakes in Japan!!

Very good. Now give it up for Chico Dedick:

A stick-on posy holder that attaches to my computer and a single variegated rose (in Microsoft's flag colours) to be delivered daily for a year. It should also include a fringe of cutesy little pom-poms that I can dangle around my monitor. You know the type macho guys like to frame the inside of their car windshield with them. The little balls of fluff would have to be in a coordinating colour so as not to clash with the flowers! An automatic coffee warmer that plugs into my computer would also be nice, as well as a "Dummies" How to book to run the operating system. A "Dummies" book that actually works, not one that just lies there, acting as if it's the star of my décor, expecting me to open it and read it!

But hold on, what about Fulvio Castelli?:

In keeping with the 'Are You XPerienced' theme, I think they should include a Jimi Hendrix headband; a 'Flower Power' style daisy-embroidered pair of Grace Slick's used crotchless panties signed by all surviving members of the Jefferson Airplane; a pressed flower that someone wore in their hair when he/she went to San Francisco; a free-love condom made of recycled latex; and of course, a bong.

Good work that man. And the winner is Geoff Crowe:

Keeping in-line with a Canadian theme, Microsoft should give away a "six-pack of baby seals with club" with every purchase of Office XP. I think it only fitting.

We couldn't agree more. Canadians please direct complaints to the UK Foreign Office. They tell us that when they've collected enough they're going to dispatch the HMS 'General James Woolfe' to shell something in Newfoundland. A puffa jacket factory probably.

Congratulations to our winners and thanks to August One and all those who entered.

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