There have been several recent newspaper reports about the trend to create rhyming slang terms from celebrity names.

For those who are not au fait with the concept, the whole thing is based on Cockney rhyming slang. Here are a few original examples:

• Apples and pears = Stairs
• Rub-a-dub = Pub
• Titfer = Tit for tat = hat
• Berkshire Hunt = Complete idiot.

You get the idea. For further enlightenment check out the master of the East End accent - Dick Van Dyke - in Mary Poppins.

Now the world of pop music has jumped on the bandwagon and created a 'Popney' lexicon. Frankly it's a bit lame:

• Britney Spears = Beers
• George Michael = Cycle
• Jay Kay = Takeaway, etc., etc.

We reckoned we could do better. Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you Chipney:

• Bill Gates = No mates ('He would go out but he's got Bill Gates')
• BT Ignite = Fight ('I was trying to use the phone but the kids kept shouting and it ended in a right BT')
• Silicon chip = Hip ('Like the wheels? Yeah, man, they're well silicon')
• Larry Ellison = Wellies on ('I'm just going out to see the sheep as soon as I've got my Larry Ellison')
• Linux user = Drug abuser ('He lost his job when they found out he was a closet linux')
• AltaVista = wrister ('He seemed all right at first, but then he turned out to be a right altavista')
• P4 = Bore ('Yeah, I met two programmers in the bar and they P4ed me to death')
• Dotcom = Bomb ('I put all of my money into the company and they dotcommed')
• WAP = Crap ('Good match? Nah, it was complete WAP')
• Hewlett Packard = Knackered ('I tried to boot up the computer this morning, but it was completely Hewlett')
• AOL = Bloody hell! ('I got into the office this morning and someone had cybersquatted us. AOL!')
• Ethical hacking = Smacking ('Yeah, I didn't like their mission statement, so I went and gave them a bit of an ethical')
• Mobile phone = Moan ('I was checking out some wicked ringing tones on the train and all the other passengers did was mobile')
• Scott McNealy = Touchy feely (see example below)

The linguistic possibilities are endless. Now we can put the whole thing together and coin the world's first Cockney/Popney/Chipney sentence:

Oy, I'm just off to the rub-a-dub for a couple of Britneys and a bit of the old Scott MacNealy with the trouble-and-strife.

Translation: Excuse me, I'm popping down to the pub for two beers and some physical intimacy with my wife. ®

Bootnote

Can anyone think of a term for Linus Torvalds? Damned if we can.