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Currently Linda, Tim, Lucy, John and Mike are ill, mostly from flu. Some are bravely tapping out muculent stories in between naps, some aren't. The Register has not been faced with an epidemic before and so there was no plan for dealing with it.

Therefore, in our new guise of corporate beast, El Presidente the honourable Mr Drew Cullen, father of many and hero to most has adopted some new guidelines, which, fortuitously, arrived in an email this morning. These are them: ®

MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES NEW COMPANY POLICIES: SICKNESS, RELATED LEAVE AND PAYROLL

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.

We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

TOILET USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees who names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount

Gross pay £1,222.02
Income tax £244.40
Outgo tax £45.21
State tax £11.61
Interstate tax £61.10
County tax £6.11
City tax £12.22
Rural tax £4.44
Back tax £1.11
Front tax £1.16
Side tax £1.61
Up tax £2.22
Down tax £1.11
Tic-Tacs £1.98
Thumbtacks £3.93
Carpet tacks £0.98
Stadium tax £0.69
Flat tax £8.32
Surtax £3.46
Corporate tax £2.60
Parking fee £5.00
FICA £81.88
TGIF Fund £9.95
Life insurance £5.85
Health insurance £16.23
Dental insurance £4.50
Mental insurance £4.33
Reassurance £0.11
Disability £2.50
Ability £0.25
Liability £3.41
Unreliability £10.99
Coffee £6.85
Coffee Cups £66.51
Floor rental £16.85
Chair rental £0.32
Desk rental £4.32
Union dues £5.85
Union don'ts £3.77
Cash advance £0.69
Cash retreats £121.35
Overtime £1.26
Undertime £54.83
Eastern time £9.00
Central time £8.00
Mountain time £7.00
Pacific time £6.00
Time Out £12.21
Oxygen £10.02
Water £16.54
Heat £51.42
Cool air £26.83
Hot air £20.00
Miscellaneous £113.29
Sundry £12.09
Various £8.01
Net Take Home Pay £0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.

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