Flame of the Year: the craziest of the crazy
Utter fury and madness in words. Pure class
That's right folks: what you've all been waiting for - a flame showdown. One of the greatest aspects of the Internet is that anyone, anywhere in the world can look at a Web site at anytime (as long as they have a connection). However, if you actually post something on the Net, you'll soon realise there is a flipside to this. Nutters.
Unfortunately, good-quality flames have got rarer and rarer since we started Flame of the Week, but the odd one or two occasionally excel. And they're all here in the Flame of the Year Top 10.
The top ten flames were chosen by an incredibly complex democratic process at Vulture Central. Well, we printed them all out and sent them round the office asking people to put their mark out of 10 on each. Then, guess what, we added up the scores and rated them accordingly.
Enough! Enough, you say! What is the best flame of the year? It is this:
Subject: Brush your teeth
Lying asshole, Rambus (& Intel) hating Brits. Brush your teeth, you scum sucking whores for the anti-Rambus faction. Someday, when we get time, we'll prove you intentionally slant your "news". I hope you pukes are at least making money off your wordy crap. (OH it's so much fun to play with the stupid Americans).
[Terrific - racism, expletives, baseless accusations, paranoia, poor grammar. And of course he remains anonymous. It is a lesson to us all.]
[Coming in second is this incredible religious madness. It was sparked by our experiment with ads on email updates].
Flame of the Year: Silver medal
Subject: Re: Intel e-Business Solution Seminar
I bind and rebuke 'demons' in the name and through the Blood of Jesus Christ.
I no longer wish to recieve anything from anyone with 'demons' affixed to their address!
I wrote to unsubscribe....and I am letting you know as well...please send nothing else to me.
[An enduring aspect of a flamer's personality is the belief that the legal profession is coiled, just waiting for him to give the green light. They can also control the tides. Which is nice.]
I was shocked to read in your rag today that Intel was not shipping any Pentium III's in February. This is liable. I have sent the story to Intel. I hope they sue the pants off this piece of crap magazine. I've do research for clients on computer companies and the like, and your publication is ALWAYS FULL OF LIES. I have reported you to Intel, so maybe you will be receiving a call from their lawyers. I suggest you carefully watch what is said on your site in the future.
The Register responds in conciliatory mode:
Hello. When you write liable, do you mean libel? And why are there so many capital letters in your email? Have you thought of using green ink instead of a blue background in your emails? Go away.
Actually, I won't go away. I have also asked the SEC to investigate your site and stock manipulation. You are irresponsible and deserve to be sanctioned. I used so many capital letters because I"M SCREAMING AT YOU YOU MORON
[We particularly like the sign-off on this one. A classic. We like to think of Gkajsdf as having a bowler hat, walking stick and rat-like face.]
From: Gkajsdf Mlasdhf
Date: Saturday, March 25, 2000, 7:36:56 AM
Subject: hey mike magee
YOU ARE A LIAR!!!! You claim to be impartial towards rambus. However, calling rambus, "rambust," in your article "Rambust kicked in goolies by Big Blue" shows your bias. I still cant believe you hold your bed buddy,Tom Pabst (probably literally?), a medical student in such high regards who has no formal degree in computer science. The same Tom who called the founder of Intel, Andy Grove, psychotic. Your tabloid-like articles are a waste of bandwidth.
[More sex. This time rather than sleeping with hardware editors, we are paying for it (because that's the only way we can get it, see?]
And number five
You are a twat.
There you go today slagging off Lara Croft - I bet the only time you pull is when you pay for it, you sad hack.
Best of the Rest: