BOFH Takes the Wind out of Sales

Christmas cheer

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Gartner critical capabilities for enterprise endpoint backup

Episode 42 BOFH 2000: Episode 42

"So what you're basically saying is that your hardware is the most reliable stuff we're ever likely to buy, and all your competitors' stuff is built by intellectually-handicapped child labour in the Third World from parts that were discarded from your factory for being unreliable?" The PFY slurs.

"Yes," our host and vendor slurs back, gesturing wildly at the promotional material with his glass and leaving a semicircle of lager on the floor in it's wake. "We produce the best stuff!"

I love vendor Christmas parties - the way they cut through the crap and get to the truth of the matter.

"Fair enough!" the PFY cries. "In that case we should cancel yesterday's order and get it straight into you as soon as possible."

"Sooner, if possible," our salesman responds, seemingly still in a position to reap the benefits of a pre-Christmas bonus opportunity.

"Well if you had a form I spose I could fill in the blanks and get the boss to sign it," the PFY responds, not too far gone to crash our alcohol gravy train.

"I'll just go print one!" the salesman slurs, stumbling in the direction of his office.

Seeing a vacant customer with several drinks under his belt, another sales vulture #2 swoops immediately, obviously not wanting to miss the opportunity of a sales theft.

"Where's John gone?" he asks, faking concern like a trooper.

"Ah, he said he wasn't feeling too well. I'd just asked if he wanted another round," I respond, waving my almost empty pint around. "We were looking at buy some ki.."

"I'll get you - both - a drink," he cries.

"Great. Mine's a lager, with a Tequila Wallbanger chaser if they have one."

"Me too," The PFY adds.

Exit Salesperson number Two..

"Tequila Wallbanger?"

"Yeah, They'll wonder if we want a Tequila Sunrise or a Harvey Wallbanger and end up getting us both."

"I don't think I can manage either of them!"

"Oh I'm not going to drink them - it just buys us a little time."

"Time? For what?"

"Hi, I'm Dave, Sales Director for Large Business. I don't think we've met!"

[Enter Vulture #3]

The PFY latches onto my plan as the Sales Director goes to check out the food's going and grab a couple of Lagers and Scotch and Tonic...and another Vulture drops in from on high.

"Some form of competition?" he murmurs.

"Yes, I think there's some sort of bonus riding on the party.."

#4 wanders off to get the Fan Speed specs for that floor full of machines we're thinking about buying - to make sure that their combined output isn't going to upset the climate control system in our building. (Okay, so I'm starting to clutch at straws.)

"Here we go," Vulture #1 drools, returning with a sheaf of papers, "All you need do is full in the number of machines, sign on the dotted line, and we're sorted!"

"Excellent!" The PFY blurts. "B-but where are the Infra Red Mice? And the ergonomic keyboards?"

"Be right back," he mumbles, heading back out the door at warp factor 0.003 after a nasty encounter with the door frame, half a foot to the left of where his eyes told him it was.

#3 is back next, with Lager and G&Ts, obviously making a director-level decision about what we wanted - probably after seeing a poacher on the grounds.. He departs to get further info on the menu once we assure him that #1 was only showing us the start of the novel he's working on about a Microsoft Executive and a couple of showgirls.

#2 and #3 jostle a bit as #2 returns with the three drinks apiece I predicted.

"So have you thought any more about the kit you were looking for?" he blurts, not wanting to appear too eager, whipping out a catalogue just as #4 returns with the wind thrust ration of the cooling devices in question...

. . .

"You started a fight between salespeople with our Major Supplier!" the boss gasps incredulously. "A fight which ended in a Sales Director being taken to hospital with bruises over 40 per cent of his body!!!!"

"That wasn't us!" The PFY replies quickly. "Once he went down half the place put the slipper in. Apparently he wasn't liked much, especially by the majority of women in the place."

"You realise their sales force is decimated by the suspensions? That they're probably going to lose tens of thousands of pounds in sales?"

"Yes, I suppose so." I admit grudgingly, waiting for the inevitable...

BLOODY BRILLIANT!" The Boss cries, breaking out a bottle of brandy hitherto hidden in the expansion slot area of his machine.

Sneaky Bastard.

"You can't PAY for that sort of job satisfaction!" he continues, filling a couple of tumblers happily and sharing them about with a large portion of Christmas cheer.

"Some form of grudge?"

"Yeah, used to work for them. Changed my Large Business sale area to Bristol, then dropped me for non-performance. Now tell me, did you order anything?"

"We sort of felt obliged to get a couple of desktops after everything that happened. I suppose you'll want to cancel them because of our lack of purchase approval."

"Certainly Not! Now tell me, did you get Standard Terms?"

"I suppose so," I respond, digging out our copy of the order.

"Excellent - Guaranteed 10 working days delivery! We'll pursue that legally next year when they don't deliver."

"How do you know they won't deliver?"

"Oh, it's practice to hold all orders of suspended staff till they can be confirmed with the client. So remember, no answering the phone now. But one thing, were you two responsible for any of the bruises on my former boss?"

"Well, one or two," The PFY ventures.

"Well, he did try and sell us some refurbished P-II 300s as top line kit," I add.

"One or two, you say?"


"Excellent! Another Brandy?"

So it's true what they say about Xmas bringing staff and management closer together... ®

"BOFH 2000: Kit and Caboodle

BOFH: The early years
The Bastard has a history, you know

BOFH is the Bastard Operator From Hell. He is the creation of Simon Travaglia. Don't mess with his copyright.

Next gen security for virtualised datacentres

More from The Register

next story
Cops baffled by riddle of CHICKEN who crossed ROAD
'Officers were unable to determine Chicken's intent'
Drunkards warned: If you can't walk in a straight line, don't shop online, you fool!
Put it away boys. Cover them up ladies. Your credit cards, we mean
Yes, but what are your plans if a DRAGON attacks?
Local UK gov outs most ridiculous FoI requests...
Murder accused DIDN'T ask Siri 'how to hide my roommate'
US court hears of cached browser image - not actual request
Why your mum was WRONG about whiffy tattooed people
They're a future source of RENEWABLE ENERGY
Chomp that sausage: Brits just LOVE scoffing a Full Monty
Sales of traditional brekkie foods soar as hungry folk get their mitts greasy
Nuts to your poncey hipster coffees, I want a TESLA ELECTRO-CAFE
Examining the frothy disconnect in indie cafe culture
Ex-Apple man Sam Sung - for it is he - sticks namebadge on eBay
Stump up via tat bazaar, do a good thing for ill kids
Check your Clungene, Irish women warned
Have a quick shufti, you may not be pregnant after all
prev story


5 things you didn’t know about cloud backup
IT departments are embracing cloud backup, but there’s a lot you need to know before choosing a service provider. Learn all the critical things you need to know.
Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Build a business case: developing custom apps
Learn how to maximize the value of custom applications by accelerating and simplifying their development.
Rethinking backup and recovery in the modern data center
Combining intelligence, operational analytics, and automation to enable efficient, data-driven IT organizations using the HP ABR approach.
Next gen security for virtualised datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.