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Now how many times do I have to tell you - let's be careful out there?

Ladies, it's terribly tempting to accept the offer of an evening out with your favourite local psycho, but you should bear in mind Dr Spinola's top ten tips.

1. If your hunky new boyfriend invites you to climb into an empty oil drum, just say 'no'.
2. Should your newly-acquired paramour ask you if you would mind holding a chainsaw by the sharp end with your knees, our advice would be to say 'no'.
3. If your date asks you to sharpen a number of large, carbon steel knives, make an excuse and leave.
4. Anyone demanding: "design me an i820 mobo, bitch", should be considered to be a very disturbed person.
5. No gentleman would ever ask a lady to take home a large bag of ironing (unless the lady in question is the mother of the gentleman in question.)
6. "How'd ya like this up ya?" Should not be regarded as a terribly positive opening gambit.
7. "I can get you on the radio" sounds quite attractive, but one should consider the possibility of having one's giblets draped across an ancient wireless alongside the potential of having a new broadcasting career opening up before one.
8. Never reply to an Internet lonely heart ad.
9. Never reply to a local newspaper lonely heart ad.
10. If you still crave male company, simply send a large quantity of money and a selection of personal close-ups to Dr Spinola at the usual address. ®

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