Feeds

VNU goes to scatological lengths for Net research

Is this really necessary?

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Security for virtualized datacentres

The Reg has been invited to a press briefing that will tell all about the future of the Internet. Which is nice. IT publisher/cuckoo VNU and 'big five' firm KPMG will thrill and amaze you with details of the "fourth wave of in-depth research into Internet usage across Europe". Crikey.

A probing, in-depth survey has found that consumer Internet usage is rising. But that's not the issue - what we all want to know is "what sites keep people hooked? Which ones are revisited the most and why? Are consumers becoming more sophisticated as they adjust to the online world? Will they be spending more on the internet? Which country spends most time on the internet and what are the key drivers of internet usage? The survey answers all of these questions."

That's amazing you say. How on earth did VNU find this info out? This is where things turn peculiar. One sentence in particular caught our attention. Talking of its survey methodology, we were informed that "samples of approximately 1540 people in each country were used." Initially we thought that 1540 people was in fact a fairly accurate number to come up with, but then - hang on - what samples of these poor souls did they use?

Blood? Urine? Faeces? Semen? Were the field testers adequately insured? My god, we know that surveys of this kind are usually not worth the paper they're written on, but this is going a bit far. We're intrigued to know what tests were performed on the samples to ascertain their owners' feelings about the Internet.

Of course this approach will help to justify the survey. People won't need to know why so much money was pissed up the wall. Or why the results were so shit. There will no need for blood-letting. And as for site stickiness... ®

Beginner's guide to SSL certificates

More from The Register

next story
Facebook's Zuckerberg in EBOLA VIRUS FIGHT: Billionaire battles bug
US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention contacted as site supremo coughs up
Boffins who stare at goats: I do believe they’re SHRINKING
Alpine chamois being squashed by global warming
Space exploration is just so lame. NEW APPS are mankind's future
We feel obliged to point out the headline statement is total, utter cobblers
Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy
'Tiffany' closes deal - 'it's more common to offer your wife', says agent
Internet finally ready to replace answering machine cassette tape
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
FedEx helps deliver THOUSANDS of spam messages DIRECT to its Blighty customers
Don't worry Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on
The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event
Nerve-shattering run-up to the pre-planned known event
Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)
Over £200 worth of the good stuff up for grabs
STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants
Baaaaaa! Fanny's Farm's woolly flock is high, maaaaaan
Adorkable overshare of words like photobomb in this year's dictionaries
And hipsters are finally defined as self-loathing. Sort of
prev story

Whitepapers

Cloud and hybrid-cloud data protection for VMware
Learn how quick and easy it is to configure backups and perform restores for VMware environments.
A strategic approach to identity relationship management
ForgeRock commissioned Forrester to evaluate companies’ IAM practices and requirements when it comes to customer-facing scenarios versus employee-facing ones.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Three 1TB solid state scorchers up for grabs
Big SSDs can be expensive but think big and think free because you could be the lucky winner of one of three 1TB Samsung SSD 840 EVO drives that we’re giving away worth over £300 apiece.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.