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Those pustulous comp results in full

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Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Quite a week for comps down here at Vulture Central. On top of the excitement over our Codebreaker competition results and our latest Bluetooth give-away, we can now announce the ten unclogged pores who will be curling up with a copy of The New English Book of Internet Stories.

We asked for a 30-word outline of the ideal internet story. Predictably, many of the entries were XXXX-rated e-rotic gropefests, with at best a tenuous connection to the internet. Wash your minds out with soap, the lot of you.

Mind you, Chris tickled our fancy with: Microsoft executive found tisup.com in 'donkey shlong five dollar sucky sucky' horror. Chris, you've got a great future in tabloid journalism.

Less graphic but winning plaudits for compacting onanism, Bill Gates, Linus Torvalds and some html into three action-packed sentences was Craig Wallace's: Linus Torvalds makes joke in chat room about someone killing Bill Gates. World wakes up next day to dead Gates. Cause: Win2000 crashed while he was enjoying his a -href="http://www.fufme.com/"-Genital Drive-/a-. Good effort.

Some of you approached the challenge with more gravity, electing to address key net issues. Andy Poulton clearly has an axe to grind: I logged on to a BtoC site, navigated quickly and easily to the product I wanted. the order form was simple to complete and the order delivered the next day. Yeah, right Andy. Dream on.

Wayne Pasco wants to see a story about: A company that realizes that they won't really make gazillions off the net and learns to live with the fact instead of whinging about fickle investors :). Get back to your collective farm, comrade.

Adding a current affairs slant was Nick Jones: Freeserve goes bust. Blair intervenes, preventing E-Britannia becoming Dome 2.0. White Knight AOL houses huddled homepageless masses. Brusselcrats call foul, hand Freeserve to Deutsche Telekom for Germany's last 5DM coin. So that'd be AOL you favour then, Nick, and not Freeserve? Thought so.

Of course, you can always have a go at the telly, in a world-weary Pete Cooper stylee: Group of clods star in far fetched Internet start-up based drama for backwater TV channel, providing weekly entertainment for all Internet pedants. There's a horrible ring of truth and inevitability about this one.

Alternatively, you might ignore the brief and turn in a film synopsis. Scott Paddock: Time Bandits meets High Noon - sort of. Midgets on Shetland horses dispensing justice in a digital "old-west" wasteland of "virtual-this-and-that" with no "actual" lawmen around. Sounds to me more like The Matrix come Westworld with a bit of Black Beauty thrown in. What the producers will want to know before they sign the cheque is 'Demi Moore - is there any way she can be persuaded to keep her kit on in this movie?'

Vincent Lewis displays the Hollywood right stuff in his Typo: Sandra Bullock plays top internet whizzkid whose computer has been 'booby trapped' with a bomb. She must keep typing above 55 words per minute or boom. 59 seconds later. BOOM! Why not make it a short and cast Sly Stallone in the lead? Then tie his hands behind his back. Boom Boom!

Well, that's all entertaining stuff. Naturally, we had to pick someone to receive an additional honour - our exclusive, can't-buy-it-in-the-shops Reg lapel pin. We liked Markus Primhak's The Everyday Life of a Temporary Cybernetics Engineer: Via his ' bio-port ', Professor W. transmogrifies into a sentient line of code to search cyberspace for artificial intelligence. Prof. gets destroyed by virus called 'The Vulture'. Prof. misses 'Today' interview. A virus called 'The Vulture'? There's a thought…

But enough of this frivolity. The Reg pin goes to David O'Flynn with a piece of fantasy so improbable and preposterous that he deserves applause for sheer nerve: C++ programmer pulls supermodel.

David claims that 'Some might say it's a work of genius.' Come off it mate. You'll be telling us next that the acclaimed parvenu of prestidigitation, David 'Paper Bag' Copperfield, has shagged Claudia Schiffer. You're having a laugh. ®

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