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SMS ovulation comp provokes flood of filth

Her: Go to work on an egg. Him: Just slam in the lamb

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Internet Security Threat Report 2014

We recently reported that motherandbaby.co.uk were offering an SMS messaging service for would-be parents. Around the time of ovulation, men are advised "Tonight's the night", while ladies are directed : "It's time to get into bed."

It's hardly the sort of stuff to induce bodice-ripping sexual frenzy. Accordingly, we invited suggestions for more provocative missives. The prize is a copy of How to solve your child's sleep problems (laudanum, apparently), or a donation to Children in Need. Naturally, this provoked a flood of filth and crude innuendoe, which is hardly suitable material for a family site. Luckily, we're not a family site so here's the pick of the bunch.

First up are the short and sweet offerings. Sean Keeney reckons that "Who's your daddy?" would do the trick, while Emma is convinced that "Spread 'em lady" will create the appropriate ambience of lurv. Wm managed two lines with: "Him: Skip lunch. Her: Take two aspirin."

Inevitably, there were plenty of IT-based entries. None of them explains which message is for who, so you can work it out for yourselves. Colin MacDonald's mum would be less than impressed with: "About fucking time: Servicing due: Access violation required: Plug it in and give her some juice." DP Barrett undoubtedly sets girls' knees a quiver with: "Time for some socket programming: The probe tool needs some QA: Get ready to beta-test some push technology."

Some recklessly attempted a bit of poetry. The person known only as 'compgraphic' came over all lyrical with: "Put down that mobile phone, come home... and bring that mobile bone." Brian Code will not be threatening the Poet Laureat's position with: "Him: She's ready for some 'hot man chowder.' Get wine to uncork, she wants the pork. Forget your slump, it's time to hump. For her: The only unfertilized eggs should be in your fridge today. (White trash) Time to get preggers. Get hot and steamy, to get his creamy." Don't ring us Brian, we'll ring you.

It was a difficult decision to pick a winner from such high-calibre entries. Just pipped at the post is Julian Crooke with the commendable: "Him: Time to take the safety off your lamb cannon. Her: Fire in the hole." Nice one. The laurels, however, go to DA Barham's: "Her: Time to drop your Nokia's, baby... Him: Keep your hands free for a One to One." Note the subtle phone references. Very droll.

Congratulations to our winner and thanks to all those who entered. We're worried about you - seriously. ®'

Bootnote

German site zappybaby.de informs us that it allows female subscribers to personalise the messages sent to their spouses. The service is also available in Dutch. Who said that the French were the most romantic nation on earth?

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