Feeds

Reading from Warwick moves to Szechwan

He's from Warwick, he's a crazy guy, and he's joining The Reg

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Szechwan Publishing is proud to announce that Kevin Reading, Professor of Cybernetics and Self-Publicity at Warwick University, has joined the Register's elite team of writers as resident futurologist.

Prof Reading needs no introduction to those who know him. For the benefit of those who have yet to experience the clarity, incisiveness, intelligence and above all space-filling qualities of his work, here are a few highlights:

150 AD Prof Reading presents the keynote address at the Ptolemy Astrological Academy in Alexandria. He asserts that the world is flat and that in less than two thousand years, machines will be built with the power to rearrange playing cards, provide musical entertainment without payment of dues to the Guild of Minstrels, and to make elementary errors in calculation - a prediction that he dubs the 'FDIV' effect. He also claims to have invented a time machine and advised aliens on how to build the pyramids.

1066 Kevin advises King Harold Godwinson of England to keep his eye on the growing threat of invasion by William the Bastard of Normandy. Harold takes his advice all too literally. Kevin also acts as consultant to aliens from the planet Tharg who plan to set up twin universities at the great cities of Warwick and Reading.

1584 A 20-year-old playwright called William Shakespeare is advised by Reading to undertake perhaps his greatest work - Kevin, Prince of Cybernautia. Sadly this masterpiece is lost when Shakespeare, in a moment of madness, burns the folio and threatens Kevin with death should he ever bother him again.

1933 In February, Reading is invited to dinner at the Reichstag in Berlin to demonstrate his latest electronic creation, the artificial ego. This now legendary device has the capacity to increase the size of an ordinary human ego by over 2000 times. Unfortunately the prototype overheats and the building is burned to the ground.

1963 On a visit to Dallas, Kevin is shocked to hear that thousands of unsold copies of his definitive study of genius Bloody Hell, is that Kevin Reading a clever bloke or what?, lie unsold in the Texas State Book Depository. A misunderstanding leads to a scuffle with an armed security guard and a stray shot hits the occupant of a passing car.

1971 Kevin meets Bob Noyce in a sleazy bar in California. As a result of the conversation, Noyce sketches out the basic design for the 4004 microprocessor on the back of a waitress using a ballpoint pen. The waitress contracts blood poisoning and sues Intel for damages. With the substantial sum awarded by the court, the waitress sets up Advanced Micro Devices. ®

Top 5 reasons to deploy VMware with Tegile

More from The Register

next story
Swiss wildlife park serves up furry residents to visitors
'It's ecological' says spokesman, now how would you like your Bambi done?
Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)
Over £200 worth of the good stuff up for grabs
Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy
'Tiffany' closes deal - 'it's more common to offer your wife', says agent
Facebook's Zuckerberg in EBOLA VIRUS FIGHT: Billionaire battles bug
US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention contacted as site supremo coughs up
Internet finally ready to replace answering machine cassette tape
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
ePassport to Transnistria: NEXTIFYING the Nation State with BONG
Hey the Man, you can't geoblock distributed democracy
Red Bull does NOT give you wings, $13.5m lawsuit says so
Website letting consumers claim $10 cash back crashes after stampede
Trolls have DARK TETRAD of personality defects, say trickcyclists
Think psychopathy and BDSM dungeons, not desktops
The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event
Nerve-shattering run-up to the pre-planned known event
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Win a year’s supply of chocolate
There is no techie angle to this competition so we're not going to pretend there is, but everyone loves chocolate so who cares.
Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Saudi Petroleum chooses Tegile storage solution
A storage solution that addresses company growth and performance for business-critical applications of caseware archive and search along with other key operational systems.