Feeds

Pay reviews for Bastards

Bosses -who needs them?

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Next gen security for virtualised datacentres

Episode 36 BOFH 2000: Episode 36

So as his immediate senior, I get to give the PFY his performance appraisal review, and as my "senior" The New Boss - Release Version II - gets to give me one (although not in the biblical sense).

All a bit of a problem for him really as he's so new he has to rely on the reports of his predecessor and other managers to come up with something that both keeps the workers happy whilst looking effectual. Pure PR of course, now that he's realised his role's not one of the more popular in the company.

"So how did it go?" he asks conversationally, wanting to know the ins and outs of the PFY's review.

"Very well actually. Overall I'm quite pleased with his progress although there were a couple of areas I was disappointed in."

"Yes?" The Boss asks, keenly interested any negativity directed away from his role.

"Yes, yesterday I noticed he answered the phone ONCE!"

"That's terrible!" The Boss cries.

"I know - I would have let it ring. As I said to him - 'Its only a user - they'll ring back if it's important enough and restarting their machine doesn't fix it. And their desk's not on fire...'. I'm starting to wonder if he actually thinks he's there to help people."

The boss laughs nervously, not really believing me. "Desk's not on fire" he chuckles.

"..So of course I told him that muting the ring on his phone will help solve the moral dilemma of whether to help people or not."

"Well, TECHNICALLY, you ARE there to help people.." The Boss mentions quietly.

"No, I think you'll find that our contract quite clearly states that we're responsible for the smooth running of the networks and systems - it says nothing about the users. IN FACT, it's only because I'm of a benevolent nature that I even let the users ACCESS the machine, as theoretically they're UPSETTING the smooth running of the systems and networks. Call me an old softy I guess.."

The Boss again chuckles nervously, not wanting to open this particular can of worms either. Instead he decides to get down to business.

"So", he starts. "Lets look at your role and the Key performance indicators.. >scrabble< Let's see... SYSTEM UPTIME - reasonable."

"Reasonable"?

"Apparently I'm told there's been a lot of unscheduled outages."

"What? - I ALWAYS notify users of outages!"

"Yes. I think that senior management believe that multicasting... uh, Bruce Springsteens's 'I'm going down' doesn't constitute notification!"

"It makes people disconnect!"

"I'm sure it does NOW - but I think you should be giving people advance notice! My last position required advance notice well ahead of outages."

"THEY GET TILL THE END OF THE SONG!" I cry.

"n'Yes.. Anyway, moving right along. Helpdesk calls resolved - Limited."

"Of course it's limited, I can never connect to the helpdesk server to resolve them!"

"Would that be because you.. uh, >scrabble< ran an angle grinder into the network card?"

"An accident. I was trying to cut through the padlock that was stuck on the back of the machine."

"Stuck because someone glued a matchstick into the keyway with epoxy resin?"

"Yes, vandals strike everywhere!"

"Even in the rooms only YOU two have access to?"

"Especially there. It's the last place you'd expect. Quite clearly a setup!"

"I see. So your poor Helpdesk resolution record is due to a damaged network card preventing you from closing calls?"

"Yes. But we resolve calls passed to us on paper!"

"How?"

"We file them. One hundred per cent hit rate so far!"

"You've solved all of them?!?"

"No we get them all in the bin. Uh, I mean low-profile circular filing cabinet."

"Yes... I think I might change that to *VERY* limited. Now 'Complaints about work' - frequent."

"I'm sorry, but I find that very hard to believe!"

"Well I've one here as it happens, from an executive member of the accounting audit group. He says you told him there were constraints on documents to be emailed."

"Yes - we have an SMTP limitation of 2 Meg, which once an attached document is encapsul.."

"He says you told him to chop his diary up and push it into the floppy drive of his machine if he wanted to share it with his secretary!!"

"That's just preposterous!" I cry, remembering the good laugh the PFY and I had over that one.

"It doesn't stop there!" he responds, cranking up the tone a little. "He also claims you bought several copies of Red Hat Linux under the safety and security budget, trying to pass them off as Fire Warden Helmets!"

"I think you'll find the Operating Systems were purchased for the Security's desktop machines."

"And that's where you installed them then?"

"Unfortunately the media wasn't compatible with their CD Drive."

"Non ISO Format?"

"No, the drive had matchsticks epoxy-resined into it."

"This is just ridiculous!" he cries. "You can't seriously expect to solve all your problems with epoxy resin!"

"No, you're right. I bought a brazing kit yesterday."

Once again The Boss chooses to ignore a confession in favour of pursuing some other line of enquiry.

"And here - apparently you assaulted a user?!?!"

"Water under the bridge. A simple mistake that anyone could make.. We were configuring his network and I gave him the choice of colour-coded cables, and I misheard him saying that he wanted the violet option. I thought he said VIOLENT connection option."

"Who on earth has a violent connection option?!"

"We do. Now."

"But who would ask for it?"

"Well, only one person so far..."

From then on it just goes downhill, and I'm forced to retire to my office well chastised.

"Should I go and see if I can defuse the situation?" The PFY asks, fingering the government-disapproved cattle prod he just ordered as an 'Uninterruptible Power Supply'.

"Oh, I shouldn't bother just at the moment."

"What, given up the good fight?" The PFY asks disgustedly.

"No, someone brazed his door handles solid yesterday and epoxy-resined his windows shut."

"Bastards!" the PFY cries

"Yes. Lets hope they don't set his desk on f..." %% >Jangle< >Jangle<>Jangle<</p>

"Ah well." ®

/a>
BOFH 2K: Kit and Caboodle
That's right, the whole shebang

BOFH is the Bastard Operator From Hell. He is the creation of Simon Travaglia. Don't mess with his copyright.

The essential guide to IT transformation

More from The Register

next story
The Return of BSOD: Does ANYONE trust Microsoft patches?
Sysadmins, you're either fighting fires or seen as incompetents now
Microsoft: Azure isn't ready for biz-critical apps … yet
Microsoft will move its own IT to the cloud to avoid $200m server bill
Oracle reveals 32-core, 10 BEEELLION-transistor SPARC M7
New chip scales to 1024 cores, 8192 threads 64 TB RAM, at speeds over 3.6GHz
US regulators OK sale of IBM's x86 server biz to Lenovo
Now all that remains is for gov't offices to ban the boxes
Object storage bods Exablox: RAID is dead, baby. RAID is dead
Bring your own disks to its object appliances
Nimble's latest mutants GORGE themselves on unlucky forerunners
Crossing Sandy Bridges without stopping for breath
prev story

Whitepapers

Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
7 Elements of Radically Simple OS Migration
Avoid the typical headaches of OS migration during your next project by learning about 7 elements of radically simple OS migration.
BYOD's dark side: Data protection
An endpoint data protection solution that adds value to the user and the organization so it can protect itself from data loss as well as leverage corporate data.
Consolidation: The Foundation for IT Business Transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?