Feeds

BOFH gets Committed

Descending the evolutionary ladder

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Boost IT visibility and business value

Episode 33 BOFH2000: Episode 33

So I get into work - very early for a change - and am swiping myself through the door, when... nothing happens. Retrying the swipe card isn't notably useful either. Around now I feel it's time to bring security into the game by tapping on the glass and waking them from their productive sleep.

Having had dealings with IT in the past, they let me in and I wander up to Mission Control, only to find I can't get into my area either. Using plan B, I open the release box and remove the breakglass to let myself in.

15 minutes later security rolls up to respond to the emergency.

"Card wouldn't work" I mumble, showing the offending item to him "must be stuffed!"

"No I checked that before you came, the register says that you don't work here any more..." Security mumbles apologetically "..which means that I have to ask you to, ah.. if you want a coffee?"

"That'd be lovely - Black no Sugar please"

. . .

An hour later, when personnel arrives, the mystery is discovered. It would appear that everyone whose contract rolls over in July is automatically presumed to be departed if they don't renew their contract (as opposed to get a new and more lucrative one) by the same day number in September.

"It's just a little foible of the program!" I'm assured by the Fielding, the personnel helpdesk person whose only practical experience of programmes would be Coronation Street.

"So when will it be fixed?"

"Well that's the tricky bit - as you're no longer working for us officially, you can't request an update - we need a more superior member of staff to vouch for you.."

"Superior in what way?" I ask.

"Higher up the ladder."

"Corporate or Evolutionary?"

"Corporate."

"So you want my boss to give you a ring?"

"Uh, it has to be done in writing."

"And if my boss is out of the office?"

"His boss?"

"Away with my Boss on a Junket.."

"Do you know the CEO?" he smirks audibly.

"No."

"Well, we've reached an impasse then haven't we?" he declares smugly. "It's more than my job's worth to falsify records."

"Would that were the case for everyone in the building," I respond.

>Clickety Click<</p>

"..There we go, the database now reflects that myself - and my offsider, who also appeared to have departed - are back on the contracting Payroll."

"Well I'm sorry but I can't..."

"Of course you can't" >clickety click< "Ohmigoodness, I've just typed DROP EMP!"

"It's ok!" he cries quickly. "No harm done, so long as you don't type COMMIT."

>clickety click<</p>

"Ok, typed COMMIT like you said, what now?"

There's a pause while some similar clickety noises and the sound of a return key being hit with increasing ferocity occur.

"I said: 'DON'T TYPE COMMIT!'" he gasps in horror. "We'll have to do a roll back!!!"

"Can't roll it back, it's committed!" I respond, with similar mock horror.

"A recovery!!!"

"Can't do that either!'

"Why not, we've got backups!?!?!"

"We have, but we don't have DBA's - they don't TECHNICALLY work here any more!"

"You'll have to do it!"

"Well I COULD do it I suppose, but..."

"But what?"

"Well, you don't work here any more - TECHNICALLY - so I can't really accept a request for recovery from you."

"But you KNOW I work here. Just add me back to the database!"

"I think we may have reached that impasse again..." I respond.

"WHAT?!"

"Well it's more than my job's worth to falsify records!"

"BUT YOU JUST DID IT BEFORE!!!"

"Yes, but I wasn't WORKING here TECHNICALLY then, remember - now I'm back and have a job at risk!"

"You're just as gone as I am!"

"Yes, but actually NO. Contractors aren't in the EMP table.."

"But..."

"But I SUPPOSE if you could get a more superior member of staff to vouch for you.."

"My Boss?"

"In the EMP table.."

"His Boss.."

"EMP table - Do you know the CEO?"

"No?"

"Well that exhausts the Corporate Ladder. Let's try Evolutionary. Do you have a goldfish at work?"

"No."

"Any rats?"

"What?!"

"What about... an Assistant IT Professional?"

"Who?"

"My offsider for instance."

"Yes, would he vouch for me?!??"

"It's possible..."

"Well can you give him a ring?"

"Uh, I THINK I'll be needing the verification in writing."

"I'll write it and give it to him!"

"We're very particular about the verification.."

"How?"

"It should be written on 50 pound notes. Four of them.."

"THAT'S EXTORTION!!"

"Yes, well spotted! Best you hurry along though, wouldn't want to miss the Bank Opening and get locked out of the building, or worse still, have to submit to a strip search as a non-employee roaming the building...."

. . .

20 minutes and one strip search later (couldn't resist the call) the PFY and I are a ton richer.

"Right!" I cry when Fielding rings back ."So recovery is complete and everything's back to normal."

"I, Uh," Fielding responds, "OK."

"That's OK, don't mention it!" I cry, disconnecting.

>UPDATE EMP SET STATE = 0 WHERE SURNAME='FIELDING' AND FIRSTNAME='PAUL'<</b>

"Hello security? I think that bloke's back again...."

>COMMIT<</b>
®

BOFH: Kit and Caboodle
That's right, the whole shebang

BOFH is the Bastard Operator from Hell. He is the creation of Simon Travaglia. Don't mess with his copyright.

Boost IT visibility and business value

More from The Register

next story
HP busts out new ProLiant Gen9 servers
Think those are cool? Wait till you get a load of our racks
Shoot-em-up: Sony Online Entertainment hit by 'large scale DDoS attack'
Games disrupted as firm struggles to control network
Community chest: Storage firms need to pay open-source debts
Samba implementation? Time to get some devs on the job
Like condoms, data now comes in big and HUGE sizes
Linux Foundation lights a fire under storage devs with new conference
Silicon Valley jolted by magnitude 6.1 quake – its biggest in 25 years
Did the earth move for you at VMworld – oh, OK. It just did. A lot
Gamma's not a goner! UK ISP sorts out major outage
Says BT is the root of the problem
prev story

Whitepapers

Gartner critical capabilities for enterprise endpoint backup
Learn why inSync received the highest overall rating from Druva and is the top choice for the mobile workforce.
Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Rethinking backup and recovery in the modern data center
Combining intelligence, operational analytics, and automation to enable efficient, data-driven IT organizations using the HP ABR approach.
Consolidation: The Foundation for IT Business Transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.
Next gen security for virtualised datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.