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Competition OPD rude phrase winners

The jury's finally back from the Mason's Arms

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Over 250 readers who obviously have rather too much time on their hands submitted entries for our OPD Rude Phrase competition.

Our favourites in the commendably-brief category were "THANKYOU FOR THE HEAD HERE IS YOUR QUARTER", from Andrew Valderas and the more graphic "I WISH 2 M_T MY WILL_E ON TO YOUR DOUBLE D_ZZZ", sent in by CommsBloke.

Other contestants were obviously frustrated novelists, given the length of their entries (ooh, er!)

This from an anonymous entrant from Pittsville, Maryland:

"This afternoon I want to get head from you then later we will do a double with you and a private from the security office for an hour or 2.

"After that if I am able to get a would E, I will put my would E in your can. I am normal in that I need head service from a colleague, or some private contact, to get an extension before I send my message to your back mailbox.

"Tonight you can hold my head, then I will my have a meeting with my extension and your private quarter. If I am able, I will repeat all tomorrow afternoon to please you

"In the morning, you can C me do it with and a page or my secretary. This will B recorded on my VCR for later.

"Tomorrow, I will wait in Q while our secretary will service the office. The secretary will do head for all in the office for a half hour this Friday. Sorry for the line.

"My secretary will want to please you. She will be available for head all next week. She will repeat it as you wish. She is on call for you.

"The operator has number 2 for lunch and dinner. I need not take this. He should be sorry. I should call 'goodbye' to this office.

"The Thursday after next, I shall do number 1 on the desk of your secretary and leave a number 2 in your mailbox. This will be my goodbye to your business."

Concise

A more concise two-part missive from Ralph Bearpark in Switzerland:

"Cause:
"Please service my urgent need for you. Take me, all night tonight. Hold my minute extension and do the business with your head. I wish to have my head between your left one and your other one and have contact with your private quarter. We shall do the double back number until we please one an other, again and again, for hours and hours.

"Effect:
"Office security recorded your private business with your secretary last night. If you do not wish for your colleague to get a message with this soon, leave 5000 at the mailbox by the holiday operator tomorrow night at 9 o'clock, and head for home. Do not call the emergency service."

Next, a fine 'Dear John' committee entry from Jeremy Fry, Sue Farrell and Ellen Pammenter who claim to have only stopped writing when the pub opened:

"I am sorry to send you this message. I have to leave you. After Monday night with your colleague in the private office I can not be with you again. We recorded our meeting on the security service for you.

"He can do me time after time and take away the urgent need in me that you could not. He is my number one. He can get all I can take in me while you could not get a quarter home. This is not normal. You should get an extension.

"He can service me from the back. My ring closed on that head in my office all of Monday morning. You could not get past my secretary. He can do me for hours, in and out all night. With you all is gone in a moment. He will get head from me tonight and you will not get that from me again. He can hold back until I wish to take lunch.

"I am due on in a few days. I may have to take the morning after course.

"By the time you get this message we will be away on holiday. We have left your secretary for you. May be she will do you now I am gone.

"If you wish to have me again you can get in line after the quarter back. Do not try to call me. This is goodbye until I contact you. If you try to get to me I will send for security. I will get an emergency order if I have to. You are not normal. You need help. Be gone. Goodbye."

And special T-shirts for Anne Roy and partner Iain who went to the considerable trouble of finding a working OPD and sending in MP3s of their entries, which included "My secretary as away of service_ing me, from one until 3, she_l be hold_ing my will_e today."; "My private_sss are in my secretary_sss back or_office."; and the hopeful "I am get_ing a will_e extension on Tuesday."

Congratulations to the lucky winners and thanks to everyone who entered. ®

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