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Fag, Guv? Shut up, George

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Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Flushed with success - and cash - after its latest marketing assault, Register Merchandising has announced that it will jump on the British gangster movie bandwagon. Vulture Central has pledged an enormous wedge of reddies to the producers of Geezer No. 1 an ultra-violent black comedy musical. The film charts the inexorable rise of an Oxbridge educated film director who somehow convinces London's underworld that he is the eponymous jellied-eel loving hard case.

The project boasts an impressive cast list, including Bob de Niro, Joe Pesci, Bob Hoskins, Jean Claude Van Damme, and a walk on part by anglophile songstress Madonna.

The Head of International Merchandising has agreed to allow publication of part of the script, which is printed here for the first time.

Int. Night. A London pub around midnight. Mist rolls in from the Thames and the clattering of jugs of ale and steaming platters of jellied eels is interrupted only by the clatter of wheels on cobbles and distant chants of 'Bring out your dead' Around a table are seated Tony 'Nine Hats' Smith, Linus 'Fish Fingers' Birtles, and Rob 'The Pond' Blincoe. After the disappointing failure of their 24/7 free internet access venture they are discussing the future of the dotcom market.

Nine Hats: And I say you're a right tea-leaving slag, you slag.
Fish Fingers: Who you callin' a slag you cow-son?
The Pond: Leave it.
Nine Hats: You want some do yer? Take off that titfer you Berkeley hunt.
The Pond: Leave him Nines, he just ain't worth it.

The door bursts open and in comes Oxbridge. The pub falls silent.

Oxbridge [in best Brideshead Revisted accent]: Who on earth do you think you're looking at you son of a Wapping fish wife? Would you like me to give you some? I'll take the lot of you.
Nine Hats: That's a right 'orrible ponce, that is.
Fish Fingers: Cut it out. That's Geezer No. 1. He's more East End than a Limehouse jellied eel in a pearly king's whistle.
Oxbridge: Serving wench! A jug of your finest ale.

Oxbridge grasps his foaming tankard but before he can drink in flounces Madonna. She's dressed as Eliza Doolittle and is carrying a copy of 'Dick van Dyke's Cockney in Three Months.' She catches sight of Oxbridge who is immediately smitten.

Nine Hats: Cor blimey!
Madonna: Gawd bless yer guvnor please take pity on a poor street urchin.
Oxbridge: Name it my dear and it's yours.
Madonna: Lawks a mercy your worshipfulness. All a girl wants is a little bit of England to take wiv 'er to a new life across the ocean.
Oxbridge: If you would care to accompany me up the apples and pears I think I have what you are looking for.
Madonna: Alright, but let's get one thing straight from the start - I ain't dropping no sprog in one of your stinking Victorian hospitals.

The pub erupts into cheers and a hearty rendition of 'The Old Bamboo' complete with cavorting chimney sweeps, waiters sliding across the floor with trays, etc etc. Repeat chorus ad nauseum. ®

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