Feeds

Reg to back gangster flick

Fag, Guv? Shut up, George

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

Flushed with success - and cash - after its latest marketing assault, Register Merchandising has announced that it will jump on the British gangster movie bandwagon. Vulture Central has pledged an enormous wedge of reddies to the producers of Geezer No. 1 an ultra-violent black comedy musical. The film charts the inexorable rise of an Oxbridge educated film director who somehow convinces London's underworld that he is the eponymous jellied-eel loving hard case.

The project boasts an impressive cast list, including Bob de Niro, Joe Pesci, Bob Hoskins, Jean Claude Van Damme, and a walk on part by anglophile songstress Madonna.

The Head of International Merchandising has agreed to allow publication of part of the script, which is printed here for the first time.

Int. Night. A London pub around midnight. Mist rolls in from the Thames and the clattering of jugs of ale and steaming platters of jellied eels is interrupted only by the clatter of wheels on cobbles and distant chants of 'Bring out your dead' Around a table are seated Tony 'Nine Hats' Smith, Linus 'Fish Fingers' Birtles, and Rob 'The Pond' Blincoe. After the disappointing failure of their 24/7 free internet access venture they are discussing the future of the dotcom market.

Nine Hats: And I say you're a right tea-leaving slag, you slag.
Fish Fingers: Who you callin' a slag you cow-son?
The Pond: Leave it.
Nine Hats: You want some do yer? Take off that titfer you Berkeley hunt.
The Pond: Leave him Nines, he just ain't worth it.

The door bursts open and in comes Oxbridge. The pub falls silent.

Oxbridge [in best Brideshead Revisted accent]: Who on earth do you think you're looking at you son of a Wapping fish wife? Would you like me to give you some? I'll take the lot of you.
Nine Hats: That's a right 'orrible ponce, that is.
Fish Fingers: Cut it out. That's Geezer No. 1. He's more East End than a Limehouse jellied eel in a pearly king's whistle.
Oxbridge: Serving wench! A jug of your finest ale.

Oxbridge grasps his foaming tankard but before he can drink in flounces Madonna. She's dressed as Eliza Doolittle and is carrying a copy of 'Dick van Dyke's Cockney in Three Months.' She catches sight of Oxbridge who is immediately smitten.

Nine Hats: Cor blimey!
Madonna: Gawd bless yer guvnor please take pity on a poor street urchin.
Oxbridge: Name it my dear and it's yours.
Madonna: Lawks a mercy your worshipfulness. All a girl wants is a little bit of England to take wiv 'er to a new life across the ocean.
Oxbridge: If you would care to accompany me up the apples and pears I think I have what you are looking for.
Madonna: Alright, but let's get one thing straight from the start - I ain't dropping no sprog in one of your stinking Victorian hospitals.

The pub erupts into cheers and a hearty rendition of 'The Old Bamboo' complete with cavorting chimney sweeps, waiters sliding across the floor with trays, etc etc. Repeat chorus ad nauseum. ®

Security for virtualized datacentres

More from The Register

next story
Facebook's Zuckerberg in EBOLA VIRUS FIGHT: Billionaire battles bug
US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention contacted as site supremo coughs up
Space exploration is just so lame. NEW APPS are mankind's future
We feel obliged to point out the headline statement is total, utter cobblers
Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy
'Tiffany' closes deal - 'it's more common to offer your wife', says agent
Internet finally ready to replace answering machine cassette tape
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
FedEx helps deliver THOUSANDS of spam messages DIRECT to its Blighty customers
Don't worry Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on
The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event
Nerve-shattering run-up to the pre-planned known event
Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)
Over £200 worth of the good stuff up for grabs
STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants
Baaaaaa! Fanny's Farm's woolly flock is high, maaaaaan
Swiss wildlife park serves up furry residents to visitors
'It's ecological' says spokesman, now how would you like your Bambi done?
Red Bull does NOT give you wings, $13.5m lawsuit says so
Website letting consumers claim $10 cash back crashes after stampede
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Cloud and hybrid-cloud data protection for VMware
Learn how quick and easy it is to configure backups and perform restores for VMware environments.
Three 1TB solid state scorchers up for grabs
Big SSDs can be expensive but think big and think free because you could be the lucky winner of one of three 1TB Samsung SSD 840 EVO drives that we’re giving away worth over £300 apiece.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.