It may not be Panto season but that hasn't stopped Sir Liam Donaldson, Sir William Stewart and the Labour government. "Mobiles phones are safe", "Oh no they're not", "Oh yes they are", "C'mon boys and girls".

Will Stewart's ten-month, government-sponsored study of mobile phone use is to recommend a minimum age limit and restriction on how long young people should use mobiles per day (thinner skulls, underdeveloped immune systems). He is expected to work with Liam, chief medical officer, to draw up government guidelines.

The convenience and popularity of mobiles will inevitably lead to pressures to understate any effects they do have, but the government has wisely gone for the protect-the-kids line. This has the dual effect of making the government look prudent and caring while also making adults aware that there is a potential danger.

Mobiles have become extremely popular fashion accessories for children, and let's face it they're terrific toys (walkie-talkies that work!). Seeing as various studies have claimed mobiles induce memory loss, Alzheimer's and cancer, this report may be averting a potential future BSE crisis.

Then, warnings were skated over and when a proven link was found, every slice of British beef was damned and the market collapsed. ®