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Internet Security Threat Report 2014

It was inevitable but not necessarily practical. That's right, you can now relieve your sordid fantasies using a WAP phone. No, not the kinky pics where the inquisitive python has been replaced by new-millennial wireless equipment, we are talking porn WAP sites.

Pics of naked people in unusual poses and pages of filthy writing are now available to anyone daft enough to have bought a WAP phone and who is indifferent to the size of their phone bill.

What do you think the public response has been? That's right: oh my god, the kids have unrestricted access! They will all become sex perverts and eat babies (but only after they have abused them)! Aside from the fact that this tediously cliched argument is nonsense - kids are extremely resourceful, they will get hold off as much porn as they want, and there's nothing you can do about it - even the fervent imagination of a spotty teenager will have a difficult job of making anything out of these sites.

Your phone will probably not be able to display pictures and so www.wapdrive.com/ohmywap will of little use to you. Even if you could see Sara from Japan, let's bear in mind that we're talking about a three-inch green screen here. A copy of OK! magazine is more erotic. Plus you'll have to pay and wait while this tiny, blurred image appeared. We couldn't get http://wap.cybersex.nl to work.

So what else? Text-based sex sites. Fantasies, instructions - you know, society destroying stuff. If poorly written sex fantasies are your thing, check out http://tagtag.com/sex2txt from the list. Only problem with these sites is that there is a limited amount of data you can have on one page, so you'll have to download page after page before getting to the end, so to speak. Not great.

But, hang on, don't give up yet. Here we have a genuinely useful (and saucy) scenario for you.

You're with your partner. You've had a lovely meal and a few glasses of wine and the Channel 5 movie has got you both going. You clamber upstairs and prepare for lovemaking. But it's not quite right. You always do the same things - why don't you surprise me anymore? your partner asks. It's all going wrong.

What do you do? Well you could blame them and get into a stupid argument. You could flounce out and sleep downstairs. You could just fall asleep. OR you could sneak off to the bathroom with your WAP phone, call up http://wwwmmm.free.fr/kamasutra/kamasutra and select the position that is within both your bodies' limits. Return and amaze them with your knowledge of Eastern erotic literature.

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