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Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Having trouble with your brand new machine or with the lovely application software that's cost you an arm and a leg? Our very own PC paramedic, Dr. Spinola, will guide you through the hardware morass.

Q Someone has told me that microprocessors, which as everyone knows are the brains of a PC, also have a full head of hair sprouting on top of them, in the shape of little fuzzy hairs called microns. I do not want hairs clogging up my microprocessor. What can I do?

A This sort of problem needs to be solved by what we in the PC industry call a trickologist. She or he will show you that it is possible to call white black, rather than a spade a spade, as far as semiconductors are concerned.

Q I am confused about the millennium bug. Will this break my machine at the end of this year?

A You can trust me. I am a kind of a doctor. The millennium did not begin on the 1st of January this year, but will begin on the 1st of January next year. That means that we are still in the 20th century, and the 21st century will begin on the 1st of January next year. You must not allow confusing elements such as the Millennium Dome, nor the BBC, to clutter your thinking on this one. The year 2000 bug has nothing to do with the millennium, but instead was caused by sloppy programming. Anecdotal stories that credit cards are going awry, are just that, anecdotes. Make sure you enjoy yourself on the 31st of December this year!

Q My PC doesn't work. What shall I do?

A Have you checked that the CMOS battery in your machine is still working?

Q Someone tells me that I need to stuff lots of RIMMs into something called a motherboard to get my machine up to speed. Is this true?

A Yes.

Q I paid a lot of money for a PC just before Christmas and have noticed, now, that the same machine costs a lot less than before. Have I been rooked?

A This is a very tricky question to answer in just one word.

Q Yesterday, I noticed two police constables wheeling a hot dog cart down the street past the Vulture Central office. Is this normal?

A Are you sure that these policemen weren't wearing fancy dress? Seriously, though, unlicensed hot dog vendors who sell unlicensed hot dogs near Oxford Circus are a real nuisance, and the police now have the power to impound their devices. Plus, policemen are human and need to eat too. The unlicensed hot dogs smell delicious. ®

My PC doesn't work, what shall I do?

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