Feeds

GtterRedmondung: MS sees Apocalypse following breakup

Destruction of economy, starvation, plagues of boils...

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Mobile application security vulnerability report

MS on Trial The Potomac will foam with blood, Silicon Valley will be turned into a vast dust-bowl, the US economy will be destroyed and starving software developers will head back East, choking the Interstates with convoys of BMW Z3s. This isn't quite what Microsoft says will happen if it gets broken up, but its court filings of yesterday stop only marginally short of plague of boils territory.

"Millions of consumers, including hundreds of thousands of companies, have benefited from Microsoft's software," the company says, arguing for the breakup proposal to be tossed out. "Indeed, it is no exaggeration to say that the entire United States economy has benefited from Microsoft's efforts."

If the courts were to "tear asunder" Microsoft, the "principle assets", the employees, would flee. "People will not work where they do not want to work, and they will not be productive if forced to work in conditions they find unsatisfactory. As a result structural relief here threatens not simply temporary dislocation and inefficiency, but much more profound damage to Microsoft and its ability to deliver quality software products at the rapid pace demanded by the competitive software industry.

"If Microsoft's developers were to quit because of the uncertainty and chaos that would inevitably flow from a breakup... THE COMPANY'S ENTIRE BUSINESS WOULD BE DESTROYED. [our shouting] More importantly [surely impossible? - Ed], consumers and numerous other companies in the industry with which Microsoft works would suffer enormous harm."

There you go then, Microsoft will be destroyed, along with all its customers, factories will grind to a halt... But not until it's broken up, right? No, it's worse than that, because even the threat of breakup will cause massive damage. With the threat of a breakup "hanging over its head like the sword of Damocles while this Court conducts proceedings on remedies," Microsoft may lose irreplaceable employees, and "third parties may be unwilling to enter into routine business agreements [isn't this usually the case? - Ed] with Microsoft while ITS CONTINUED CORPORATE EXISTENCE REMAINS IN DOUBT. [our shouting again]"

So there you go people - every time you even think about breaking up Microsoft, a developer dies and the US economy trembles. So stop it, OK? ®

The Power of One Brief: Top reasons to choose HP BladeSystem

More from The Register

next story
BBC goes offline in MASSIVE COCKUP: Stephen Fry partly muzzled
Auntie tight-lipped as major outage rolls on
iPad? More like iFAD: We reveal why Apple fell into IBM's arms
But never fear fanbois, you're still lapping up iPhones, Macs
Amazon Reveals One Weird Trick: A Loss On Almost $20bn In Sales
Investors really hate it: Share price plunge as growth SLOWS in key AWS division
Bose says today is F*** With Dre Day: Beats sued in patent battle
Music gear giant seeks some of that sweet, sweet Apple pie
There's NOTHING on TV in Europe – American video DOMINATES
Even France's mega subsidies don't stop US content onslaught
You! Pirate! Stop pirating, or we shall admonish you politely. Repeatedly, if necessary
And we shall go about telling people you smell. No, not really
Too many IT conferences to cover? MICROSOFT to the RESCUE!
Yet more word of cuts emerges from Redmond
Chips are down at Broadcom: Thousands of workers laid off
Cellphone baseband device biz shuttered
Twitch rich as Google flicks $1bn hitch switch, claims snitch
Gameplay streaming biz and search king refuse to deny fresh gobble rumors
prev story

Whitepapers

Designing a Defense for Mobile Applications
Learn about the various considerations for defending mobile applications - from the application architecture itself to the myriad testing technologies.
Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Top 8 considerations to enable and simplify mobility
In this whitepaper learn how to successfully add mobile capabilities simply and cost effectively.
Seven Steps to Software Security
Seven practical steps you can begin to take today to secure your applications and prevent the damages a successful cyber-attack can cause.
Boost IT visibility and business value
How building a great service catalog relieves pressure points and demonstrates the value of IT service management.