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Net out to get us, delusional psychotics claim

They're coming to take me away, ho ho -- they're coming to take me away...

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It's official: the Internet is rapidly becoming public enemy number one -- at least to psychotics. That's the conclusion of a report published by the University of South Florida. Researchers at the college found that Internet-related fears have become among the most common delusions suffered by active psychotics. The typical sufferer has little knowledge of computers, but he or she still believes that the Net is somehow monitoring -- and, in worse cases, controling -- his or her life. One case study describes a 40-year-old man who shot himself in the face after beginning to believe that party or parties unknown had placed Internet bugging devices in his ears. The bugs could read his mind and exert control on his body, making his extremities jump whenever he pressed certain keys on a PC. Delusions like these will become increasing commonplace as the Internet moves further into mainstream society, the report warns. A cause for concern, surely, so we would like to recommend that any senior IT industry figures who suddenly come to believe they are being actively pursued by vultures -- particularly British ones -- should seek immediate psycho-medical advice... ®

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