Feeds

Beer, cigarettes, crisps make it hard to use laptops in pubs

(With apologies to Walter S. Mossberg of the Wall Street Journal)

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

There's few major items we own that are as confusing, unpredictable and reliable as our personal computers. And it's even harder when you have to use them in your pub. Q. This may sound daft, but is there any inherent danger in using my laptop in my local? I'm in there for most of the afternoon, and would love to use my notebook while I'm quaffing some ale. A. I'm not sure whether to envy you your lifestyle or to pity you for being the sad lush you obviously are. There are inherent dangers in using your notebook in the boozer and they're not as obvious as you might think. Besides the danger of crisp particulates entering your keyboard, the obvious danger of spilling your pint of London Pride over a £2,000 machine, and the weird looks you'll get from everybody, there are some hidden problems too. First of all, if you're able to connect to the Internet at The Mason's Arms, after six pints of Pride you might feel you want to send abusive email to your boss. This is counterproductive, and could result in unexpected job opportunities in the future. Secondly, laptops have limited battery lives. Plugging your machine into the socket by the bar is not likely to be welcomed by the landlord or landlady of the pub. The best suggestion I can make is to buy a hood or shade that will cover your head, and so make the screen of your notebook unreadable. Q. Where would I go to find out which laptops will stand up to the salt water environment produced when I burst into tears? I get no help from Web sites. A. Sigh. Another reader with a bit of a problem. I doubt that regular notebooks will resist a full sized blub, but there are some specialised machines that are coated in tear resistant and corrosion resistant materials. I would suggest that you avoid situations where you are likely to feel emotionally fraught. Don't work for any of the major IT vendors, for example. Attention, non-techies Don't be embarrassed by your problems with computers. If you have a question, send it to me at Szechuan Publishing and I may select it to be answered here. Just remember: you're not a "dummy," no matter what those computer books claim. The real dummies are the people who, though technically expert, couldn't design hardware and software that's usable by normal consumers if their lives depended upon it. ®

Top 5 reasons to deploy VMware with Tegile

More from The Register

next story
Bono apologises for iTunes album dump
Megalomania, generosity and FEAR of irrelevance drove group to Apple deal
Facebook, Apple: LADIES! Why not FREEZE your EGGS? It's on the company!
No biological clockwatching when you work in Silicon Valley
Doctor Who's Flatline: Cool monsters, yes, but utterly limp subplots
We know what the Doctor does, stop going on about it already
Happiness economics is bollocks. Oh, UK.gov just adopted it? Er ...
Opportunity doesn't knock; it costs us instead
Arab States make play for greater government control of the internet
Nerds told to get lost in last-minute power grab bid at UN meeting
'Cowardly, venomous trolls' threatened with TWO-YEAR sentences for menacing posts
UK government: 'Taking a stand against a baying cyber-mob'
Zippy one-liners, broken promises: Doctor Who on the Orient Express
Series finally hits stride, but Clara's U-turn is baffling
Don't bother telling people if you lose their data, say Euro bods
You read that right – with the proviso that it's encrypted
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Win a year’s supply of chocolate
There is no techie angle to this competition so we're not going to pretend there is, but everyone loves chocolate so who cares.
Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Saudi Petroleum chooses Tegile storage solution
A storage solution that addresses company growth and performance for business-critical applications of caseware archive and search along with other key operational systems.