Feeds

Intel does not use toilet rolls…

intro

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

For weeks we here at The Register have been intending to write a story about Intel's vast consumption of toilet rolls. We repeatedly asked the question, given that there are 60,000 people or so working for the Great Stan. We were worried about pollution, given reports years ago by the Republic of California that there was something wrong, somewhere, with an aquifer. Ahem. We finally got the response, although it was from someone who used to work for Intel....Strong language follows...She said that Intel does not use toilet rolls. "We don't have time to crap at work so have to do it at home under the HomeShit(r)(tm) programme. If an employee can't wait, they have to send it by email."

The Department of Justice's difficulties in finding acceptable file formats under, er, current circumstances are well known. But the cunning method it's fastened on to make depositions public may turn out not to be the answer. Try it folks. Go to the DoJ site and take a look at Jim Barksdale's testimony. It's in Adobe Acrobat format. It's 127 pages long. You can get to it in smaller bits, and when (if?) you do, strewth, the text is all skewed to one side. These jokers are using Acrobat as a photocopier, fer crissakes... Hope their Web site melts down.

A journalist shuffles up morosely with a tale. "That Uri Geller must be short of money, you know." Why's that? It turns out Geller spammed (by snail mail) a bunch of UK pubs saying how great (fill in name of pub) was and how much he'd like to write for it. One mag, Computer Active, responded positively.

Our morose journalist received a letter thanking him for his column in Computer Active so far, but regretting that as the Mighty Bender was available, his services would have to be dispensed with. "I bent a crusty old coffee spoon in half, attached a note saying 'Can I have my column back now please,' and posted it to them. Haven't heard back yet."

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk

More from The Register

next story
Bono apologises for iTunes album dump
Megalomania, generosity and FEAR of irrelevance drove group to Apple deal
Facebook, Apple: LADIES! Why not FREEZE your EGGS? It's on the company!
No biological clockwatching when you work in Silicon Valley
Doctor Who's Flatline: Cool monsters, yes, but utterly limp subplots
We know what the Doctor does, stop going on about it already
Happiness economics is bollocks. Oh, UK.gov just adopted it? Er ...
Opportunity doesn't knock; it costs us instead
'Cowardly, venomous trolls' threatened with TWO-YEAR sentences for menacing posts
UK government: 'Taking a stand against a baying cyber-mob'
Arab States make play for greater government control of the internet
Nerds told to get lost in last-minute power grab bid at UN meeting
Zippy one-liners, broken promises: Doctor Who on the Orient Express
Series finally hits stride, but Clara's U-turn is baffling
Don't bother telling people if you lose their data, say Euro bods
You read that right – with the proviso that it's encrypted
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
Win a year’s supply of chocolate
There is no techie angle to this competition so we're not going to pretend there is, but everyone loves chocolate so who cares.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Intelligent flash storage arrays
Tegile Intelligent Storage Arrays with IntelliFlash helps IT boost storage utilization and effciency while delivering unmatched storage savings and performance.